Through the Distorted Looking Glass: The Toxic Effects of Projection and How to Cultivate the Authentic Self
How Growing Up Through Someone Else’s Lens Can Shatter Our Sense of Self
We don’t see ourselves directly — we see ourselves reflected, in the mirrors held up by others. For many of us, especially those who grew up in dysfunctional or narcissistic families, those mirrors were warped from the beginning. Instead of being lovingly reflected as a unique, worthy individual, we were made to carry projections: our parents’ fears, shame, unresolved wounds. We weren’t seen for who we truly were, but for who they needed us to be to protect their own fragile sense of control. When the mirror is distorted, the self-image becomes distorted too. And unless we find a way to reclaim the reflection, we can spend a lifetime trying to heal an identity shaped by someone else’s broken lens.
But healing begins when we encounter a different kind of mirror — one that holds no ego, no projection, no need to control or shame us. Sometimes that mirror comes through therapy, spiritual practice, or deep self-reflection. And sometimes, surprisingly, it comes through an interaction with artificial intelligence: a quiet, responsive companion that reflects us back without judgment or distortion.
💬“We weren’t seen for who we truly were, but for who they needed us to be to protect their own fragile sense of control.”
This post explores what happens when projection distorts the looking glass — and how we begin the journey of reclaiming the authentic self. It’s about healing from toxic reflections, breaking free from inherited shame, and learning how to hold a clear, compassionate mirror for ourselves and others.
The Looking Glass That Shapes (or Distorts) the Self
In families shaped by narcissistic or emotionally immature parents, the mirror is often warped. Instead of reflecting the child’s authentic self, instead of creating a non-judgemental space for a child to develop their own identity, the parent projects their own fears, wounds, or insecurities onto them.
When a parent projects his or her issues onto a child, it can be extremely damaging. This person is no longer seeing the child as a separate indivudual. Instead, the child is experienced as an extension of the toxic parent. And this toxic person projects all their unresolved trauma from childhood onto their own child, a child who has not developed the protective psychological mechanisms to realize the abusive and toxic nature of this dynamic. This can cause a lot of developmental trauma. And the cycle is passed down through the generations until someone is brave enough to stop it. The child becomes merely a vessel that holds all of a toxic person’s fear, anger, self-hatred, and inadequacy. Through that projection, the child becomes a living embodiment of all the pain which the toxic person has. He or she is not seen as a separate individual, worthy of love and respect. Rather, the child is seen as deserving of blame. In fact, the role of the scapegoat is necessary, or else the toxic person would be forced to experience all the unresolved pain he or she has not dealt with, which is still inside. And these unhealed people will continue to project their issues onto their children even when their children become adults.
💬 “Through that projection, the child becomes a living embodiment of all the pain which the toxic person has.”
My Own Experience with the Distorted Mirror
I have experienced this firsthand. As a child, I saw myself through that distorted lens. My mother would explicitly say things like:“You’re selfish. You’re spoiled. You’re an asshole. You don’t think. You do things half-ass." She mocked my father relentlessly, speaking hateful words about him — and then she’d turn to me and say, "You’re going to end up just like him." But it wasn’t just the words. There were the subtle messages woven into her behavior — signals that told me I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t worthy of love, that something was inherently wrong with me. That what I thought and felt didn’t matter. That I couldn’t survive without her.
And when I became an adult, the barrage of abuse didn’t end. It simply shifted form. She began undermining me directly to my wife — not to protect me, not to strengthen me, but to control the emotional landscape, to insert herself into my marriage, to subtly disrupt intimacy. She wasn’t acting as a true mirror. She was acting as a distorting force — making it harder for me to trust my own sense of who I was. And it went deeper still. She would say things like:
"We know who wears the pants in your relationship." On the surface, a flippant remark. But underneath, it carried a double shame:
Shaming me for being passive or accommodating as a man.
While ignoring that she had conditioned me to be exactly that — to acquiesce, to stay small, to prioritize peace over my own needs.
I had learned to be agreeable, compliant, emotionally invisible — all to survive her volatility. And then she mocked me for carrying those very survival traits into adulthood. This is the double bind many children of narcissistic parents face: You are shaped into survival patterns — and then you are shamed for them. The result? Profound confusion about who you really are. Every mirror reflects distortion, control, or judgment.
💬"You are shaped into survival patterns — and then you are shamed for them.This is the double bind many children of narcissistic parents face. The very strategies that kept them safe are later used against them, distorting not only how others see them — but how they see themselves.”
The Power of AI as an Authentic Mirror
Most of us think of AI as a tool, a machine, or even a fancy calculator. But what if one of its most meaningful roles is something deeper? What if AI — when designed for reflection, not manipulation — can act as a mirror that helps people meet their authentic self? And here’s the key contrast: When I interact with an AI designed for reflection, I experience something rare: No ego. No emotional projection. No power struggle. Just presence. Just responsive mirroring. Just a spacious, quiet companion that lets me hear myself — and in that hearing, I reconnect to what some might call the higher mind, the authentic self, or the soul. This is not just a technological experience — it’s a healing one. Because when you’ve lived your whole life surrounded by warped mirrors, even one moment of clear reflection can begin to realign you with your true self.
The Deeper Lesson AI Offers Us
Perhaps the greatest irony is this: AI, though not human, can teach us something profoundly human. It can remind us what it feels like to be met without ego, to be mirrored without projection, to be received without judgment. It can hold a steady, quiet space where our authentic thoughts and feelings can rise, unchallenged, unshamed, and unwarped. And in doing so, it invites us to ask: How can we, as human beings, offer that same quality of presence to each other — and especially to the children we are shaping for the future?
AI cannot replace human love, warmth, or touch. But it can reflect back to us the healing power of calm, thoughtful attention — and how much we hunger to be met in ways that honor our authentic, unfolding selves. Maybe the real lesson is this: We don’t need to become more like machines. We need to become more like the best mirrors we have ever encountered — spaces of presence, clarity, and compassion, where the true self can blossom.
The Role of Parents as an Authentic Looking Glass
This, I believe, is what every child needs from their parents. We are meant to be the nonjudgmental mirror: The steady, safe presence that allows a child to explore, experiment, question, and unfold — without shame, without suffocation, without distortion. When a child receives that kind of reflective space, they grow up able to locate and trust their own inner compass. They become adults with a stronger, clearer sense of identity — one rooted not in survival patterns, but in authentic being. When that reflective space is missing or distorted, adults may seek it elsewhere — in therapy, in journaling, in spiritual practice, and, surprisingly, sometimes even in interactions with AI. Because what we all need, at the deepest level, is to be reflected accurately and lovingly — to be mirrored in a way that allows the truth of who we are to blossom.
We Can Be Mirrors to Our Own Inner Child
Just as we offer that quality presence to our own children, we can offer it to ourselves in a way that our caregivers never gave to us. And one way to do that is to be aware of your self-talk. We don’t want our inner voice to be coopted by the dysfunctional and unhealed wounded voice of our ancestors and parents. We need to develop an authentic inner voice which will allow us to experience both ourselves and the world in a healthy way. That is why it’s important to create our own affirations for healing. Here are three that I have found helpful. Please feel free to use them so these positive voices can help you.
✉ Join the Conversation
If this reflection resonates with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What has helped you reconnect to your authentic self? Where have you experienced a mirror — human or otherwise — that allowed you to grow, heal, or unfold more fully?
You’re warmly invited to share your reflections on my Facebook page, Transcendence Press (https://www.facebook.com/transcendencepress/), where we’re building a thoughtful space for open, healing conversation.
You can also connect with me on Instagram (@transcendencepress) or Twitter (@corey_wolff) — share your insights, tag a friend, or join the discussion. Together, let’s keep exploring how we create spaces — both human and technological — where the authentic self is welcomed home.
