The Cost of Self-Abandonment: What Once Kept You Safe Is Now Keeping You Stuck

To Choose Betrayal or Loyalty

In every story, there comes a moment when the hero must choose — not between good and evil, but between betrayal and loyalty. Not toward others, but toward the self.

I’ve learned that self-abandonment can wear many disguises: love, humility, peacekeeping. But when we silence our truth to avoid rejection, we are not being noble — we are just keeping the wound alive. I did it with my mother — shrinking to survive. I did it in marriage — silencing myself to keep the peace. And I’ve done it with my body — letting it bear the weight of my emotional pain, afraid that becoming stronger or more attractive might invite danger again.

But here’s what I know now: You cannot protect yourself by disappearing. You only lose yourself that way. The answer isn’t to hide. The answer is to stand beside yourself — especially when the fear comes. I’m learning to stay. To listen. To tend to the version of me who once felt abandoned — and to promise him I won’t do it again.

💬“…when we abandon our truth to avoid rejection, we are not being noble — we are just keeping the wound alive.”

My History of Self-Betrayal

I have been betraying myself for my entire life. I learned to do it early, when I learned that survival as a child depended on not being a burden by having my own needs. I was given a purpose, which was to make the needs to my parent the priority, at the expense of my own. Until I was so detached from my own needs, I didn’t even know what they were. And that followed me throughout my teen years, it followed me into adulthood, it followed me into my marriage. It followed me through my self-talk. And the truth is, it haunts me to this day!

A few years ago, while in a serious relationship, I discovered that my significant other had been cheating on me the entire time. I was devastated. So many questions rushed in. What kind of person does that? How could I have been so naive? How did I miss the signs? What does this say about me and my own judgement? And if I could attract such a toxic person into my life, what does this say about my own issues? Those questions weighed heavily on me. That led to even more questions: Am I destined to be alone? If I keep choosing partners with unhealed childhood wounds, what’s the point of even dating? Will I ever be able to fully heal my own childhood wounds?

💬“I was so detached from my own needs, I didn’t even know what they were. And that followed me throughout my teen years, it followed me into adulthood, it followed me into my marriage. It followed me through my self-talk. And the truth is, it haunts me to this day!”

I started coping in destructive ways to ease the emotional pain I felt. I neglected my body, and over time I gained weight. Once again, I fell into the pattern of self-abandonment. But I believe this is the sacred invitation I’m being called to answer: Be loyal to yourself. Choose yourself. I am trying to pull myself out of self-abandonment, and re-establish the habits and routines that are healthy. I am learning to choose me. I am learning that it is okay to shine.

I’m here to tell you: abandoning yourself in the name of love, peace, or approval will always lead to emptiness. The pattern of self-abandonment — especially when it was programmed into you as a child — is not just painful. It’s a slow erosion of the soul. It sets you up for a life of resentment. It keeps you small. Being small may feel safe in the moment, but it holds you back. It prevents you from becoming the person who God wants you to be. But here’s the beauty: when you were taught to ignore your own voice, the act of reclaiming it becomes revolutionary. When you were conditioned to doubt your worth, learning to trust your intuition becomes sacred.

Maybe that’s the very lesson your soul came here to master. And if so, every step back toward yourself — every choice to listen, honor, and stay — is a step toward healing not just your life, but your legacy.

💬“…every step back toward yourself — every choice to listen, honor, and stay — is a step toward healing not just your life, but your legacy.”

Self-Betrayal in Unbroken Legacy

In Unbroken Legacy, my upcoming novel, Horatio DelaFleur embodies the same struggle I’ve lived: the journey from self-abandonment to self-trust. He is still stuck emotionally because of the trauma he experienced as a child. He fails to believe in himself, and is still hiding under that thick blanket he used as a child, instead of stepping out and being attuned to his own power to influence reality. In a way, he is still waiting for a savior to rescue him. He says to the Beast, ‘“I see you now—not just as a monster, but as the shadow I let rule me. The whisper in the dark that said I wasn’t enough. The doubt that kept me frozen.”’ It is only when he becomes his own savior that he changes the direction of his life and vanquishes the Beast that kept his small, making him believe that was safe. Finally, Horatio says to the Beast, ‘“You are the fear of the past—but love endures. And love is stronger.”’ He has finally learned to love himself. That’s what defeats the Beast that lives inside us, feeding on our fears, preventing us from growing. And the beauty of the story is that the one he nurtured, becomes the one who helps him realize his own power. That’s why it’s an unbroken legacy, a divine seed within us all, which we just have to tap into. Unbroken Legacy will be available on Amazon in June 2025.

💬“He has finally learned to love himself. That’s what defeats the Beast that lives inside us, feeding on our fears, preventing us from growing.”

Self-Betrayal in The Journey of an Acorn

In my award winning book, The Journey of an Acorn, the young acorn also betrays itself — not out of malice, but confusion and fear. It wants to be independent from the oak tree to which it is attached. When it falls to the ground it realizes it is cold and dark, and it hears strange noises, and it is scared. None of the animals are willing to help the acorn because the oak tree swings its branches at any creature who tries to carry it away.So eventually, the acorn cracks — not out of growth, but resignation — and roots itself in soil poisoned by a toxic legacy. That’s a familiar pattern for many who’ve been traumatized — the slow collapse into survival mode, where dreams are buried and the self is never fully formed. They abandon their dreams, and they abandon themselves. In fact, many never fully develop a sense of self, because they were so deeply enmeshed with a parent who couldn’t let go. If you want to read more about enmeshment, please read my article: Stop Calling Them SIMPs: They’re ACORNs — Adult Children of Narcissists

💬“So eventually, the acorn cracks — not out of growth, but resignation — and roots itself in soil poisoned by a toxic legacy. That’s a familiar pattern for many who’ve been traumatized — the slow collapse into survival mode, where dreams are buried and the self is never fully formed.”

Overwhelmed by Grief

When we go through betrayal and heartbreak — especially after already carrying wounds from earlier life — it’s not just sadness we feel. It’s disorientation. A rupture of self-trust. And sometimes the body carries the brunt of that break. It’s not weakness — it’s grief. And your body may be trying to protect you from the pain by numbing, distracting, softening the edges of solitude.

Sometimes you may start to lose hope. That voice inside may tell you this is just the way life is because it feels like our past defines us. Let me reflect a few truths back to you:

• You are not broken beyond repair. You might be bruised, but you are not broken. God is not done with you. You are still here for a reason, and you have work to do - even if it is on yourself!

• Destructive or unhealthy coping habits don’t define your worth. If you are engaging in behaviors to numb out, know they’re a reflection of pain. And pain deserves compassion, not condemnation. Remember to be kind to yourself.

• Loneliness is a powerful force — but it doesn’t mean you’re alone. Actually, pruning people from your life who are bringing you down, who are not aligned with your purpose in life can be a good thing. Still, uou may have feelings of loneliness. But you never have to be alone. There are support groups you can find with people who have gone through similar experiences and who have similar struggles. There are others who care, even if it feels quiet sometimes. And if you need someone to talk to, please reach out to me. I’ll be there for you!

💬The answer isn’t to hide. The answer is to stand beside yourself — especially when the fear comes.

What If Healing Means Being Seen?

After betrayal, sometimes it’s not failure we fear — it’s the weight of our own success. What happens when visibility feels unsafe?

I realized that I was afraid of my own success, especially if it invited attention that felt unsafe. That when I started to get fit again, my ego would become bigger. I had a big ego when I was younger, and I hid behind that mask, never getting in touch with my authentic self. I didn’t want to become ego driven again. I thought it would be safer to be humble. I was scared of looking too good. Then I might attract the type of woman who might damage me again.

I had this protective belief which said, “If I stay a little hidden, a little broken, a little humble, I’ll be safe.” That belief had once protected me — especially because being visible meant being manipulated, controlled, or shamed. But as an adult, it quietly held me back from my full vitality, my joy, my embodiment.

💬“You cannot protect yourself by disappearing. You only lose yourself that way.”

Let’s sit with a few truths together:

• Ego isn’t always arrogance. Sometimes, it’s just the part of us that wants to be seen. I can grow stronger, fitter, more confident — without abandoning my humility or my soul or my authenticity. In fact, confidence can amplify authenticity if it’s rooted in self-love, not performance.

• Looking and feeling good doesn’t have to attract the wrong people. That happened before because my inner wounds were unhealed. But I have continued to do the work. I have been building discernment. I’m not the same version of myself who fell for someone else's mask.

• My light doesn’t have to be dimmed to be safe. I can shine and be grounded. I can be strong and still stay soft, grounded in my heart.

Here’s a gentle reframing:
Getting healthy isn’t about impressing others — it’s about becoming someone I can trust again. Not because my body looks a certain way, but because I’m no longer abandoning myself in the name of fear or pain. Here is a simple mantra to try when you feel that fear arise: “I am growing stronger to protect my peace — not to prove my worth.”

🌱 A Healing-Centered Path to Reconnection

🕊 PHASE 1: Anchor the Why

This is about reconnecting to purpose — not pressure. The goal is not a “better body” but a deeper sense of trust and integration.

Ask yourself and journal:

• What do I want to feel more of in my body?

• What kind of man do I want to be for myself and my children?

• How do I define strength, peace, or health — on my terms, not society’s?

Mantra: “This path is not about changing who I am. It’s about returning to who I’ve always been — grounded, worthy, and whole.”

🔥 PHASE 2: Tend the Fire — One Gentle Shift at a Time

Rather than overhauling your life, start by building rituals instead of routines. Rituals hold emotional meaning — routines can feel like punishment.

Mantra: “I build strength through rituals, not routines. I change through compassion, not control.”

🛡 PHASE 3: Protect Your Sacred Energy

If vices have become a shield against loneliness or triggers, we don’t remove it through shame — we gently meet the unmet need underneath. Ask:

• What am I really needing in this moment — comfort? Contact? Clarity?

• What else could hold me safely for 10 minutes?

Alternatives to soothe without numbing:

• Weighted blanket or warm shower.

• Phone call with someone emotionally safe.

• Create a voice memo to your future self: “Here’s what I’m holding today.”

You are not weak. You are self-medicating wounds you were never taught how to treat.

🌄 PHASE 4: Reclaim the Body as Home

Once you feel spiritually anchored, gently begin body movement that honors you. Try:

• Yoga with intention: Not power yoga — but breath-centered, nervous-system-regulating flow.

• Walking with reflection: Pair it with audiobooks, or even walk in silence while repeating mantras.

• Strength training: Not to impress, but to embody. To feel yourself holding more energy, more presence.

Every workout can be a prayer of reclamation.

Mantra: “I move my body not to become better — but because I remember I am already enough.”

✨ PHASE 5: Call In Support

Loneliness often shows up most when we try to heal alone.

You can feel connection without having a romantic partner — what you need is emotional resonance. A witness. A safe space. Consider:

• A weekly check-in with a trusted friend or coach.

• Sharing progress (and stumbles) through journaling

• Speaking affirmations aloud to yourself in the mirror. Seriously. You are worth being heard.

❤️ And Above All…

You are not rebuilding your life to earn love. You are rebuilding it because you are love — and you deserve to feel that truth in your mind, body, and spirit.

✉ Join the Conversation

If this reflection resonates with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. If you have experienced childhood trauma, what are the small ways you still hide? Where have you mistaken self-abandonment for safety?

You’re warmly invited to share your reflections on my Facebook page, Transcendence Press (https://www.facebook.com/transcendencepress/), where we’re building a thoughtful space for open, healing conversation.

You can also connect with me on Instagram (@transcendencepress) or Twitter (@corey_wolff) — share your insights, tag a friend, or join the discussion. Let’s keep exploring how we can remain loyal by choosing ourselves-and walk the path of self-love — together.